Jeeves And The Evil Biscuit Jar
by cuddyclothes
Summary: Bertie wins a Mickey Mouse biscuit jar in a raffle. Jeeves has a phobia of Disney characters. Dialogue fic.


"Jeeves, a most delightful evening at the cinema! Fetch me a brandy and soda, the merest wisp of soda. Not only was the double feature spiffing, the Mickey Mouse cartoon was an absolute scream! I wish you had been there! Mickey Mouse is the funniest chap since Charlie Chaplin! Chap—Chaplin! I'm a poet and don't know it! No, that's not really a poem, is it? More like illiterate—alliteration, that's the word I want! I could sit through a whole evening of Mickey Mouse cartoons!"

"Indeed, sir."

"I say, Jeeves, are you all right? You've gone pale."

"It is nothing, sir. A passing phase."

"Good. We can't have you floating about being pale. Next time there's a Mickey Mouse cartoon I shall insist you accompany me!"

"..."

"Jeeves?"

"I must attend to the dinner, sir."

*strange—I've never seen him like that.*

 **TWO WEEKS LATER**

"Jeeves! You won't believe it! There was this raffle at the cinema, and I thought, why not take a flutter, young Bertram never wins these things but it was for a good cause. I won! I won! Just look at the prize, Jeeves! A Mickey Mouse biscuit jar!"

"..."

"Jeeves?"

"May I presume you will be giving it to one of Mr. Biffen's children, sir? _Anybody's_ children?"

"I should say not, old thing! It shall have pride of place on the sideboard so that I might gaze upon the only thing I've won since the Scripture Prize!"

"Do you—do you not think it best to be kept in the pantry, sir?"

"Shut up in a cupboard? No, the sideboard it is! Jeeves, if you will kindly place it in the center!"

"I fear I cannot, sir—there is butter on my hands. I was baking scones."

"Odd, I don't smell baking. Very well, I'll put it there myself."

 **THE NEXT DAY**

"Jeeves, it's such a pleasure to gaze upon I thought I'd put it on the piano. Doesn't it make the whole room happier?"

"Jeeves! You dropped the tea tray!"

"I am sorry, sir."

"Well, I'm blowed. Does my Mickey Mouse biscuit jar upset your aesthetic sensibilities that much?"

"No, sir, it merely startled me."

"You're standing stock still in a mess of tea pots, creamers, and cucumber sandwiches. You still haven't moved."

"Hold me, sir."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Nothing, sir. I shall fix you another tea."

 **TWO HOURS LATER**

"Jeeves, I've changed my mind. I put the biscuit jar back on the sideboard. Can't have you dropping tea things about the place."

"...very good, sir."

 **THE NEXT DAY**

"Jeeves, I would speak to you."

"Yes, sir?"

"I don't like this new fad you have for putting all of the courses for my meals on the dinner table at once. It's hardly the feudal spirit, old thing."

"Forgive me, sir, it is what all of the best homes are doing now. It is more efficient."

"Jeeves, why are you staring at my Mickey Mouse biscuit jar? If I thought you were capable of such things, I'd believe you were afraid of it. But a paragon being afraid of a simple piece of mass-manufactured pottery—silly, what?"

"Indeed, s-sir."

"Then why are you staring at it?"

"It needs polishing, sir."

 **THE NEXT DAY**

"I say, Jeeves, that jolly old Mickey Mouse biscuit jar isn't on the sideboard. One wants a merry face about, what?"

"I seem to have misplaced it, sir."

"Jeeves, you've gone pale again. And...and are you trembling?"

"N-no, sir. I shall be better directly, sir."

"It'll make you feel better to find that biscuit jar. I know how upset you are when things are not in their proper place."

"I doubt it will be found, sir. I have already searched the flat."

"Rum, Jeeves. Pour yourself a brandy. You look a fright."

"Indeed, sir."

 **TWO DAYS LATER**

"Jeeves, old man, have you located the errant Mickey Mouse biscuit jar?"

"..."

"Jeeves? Jeeves?"

"..."

"I say, you've gone pale again! I've been a bit worried about you, Jeeves. You have been working too hard. And cease putting all of the courses on the table at once. I don't care if it is all the rage with the better element, I miss your company. Take the night off, old fruit. Go to the Junior Ganymede, disport yourself amongst your own kind."

"Very good, sir."

 **FOUR HOURS LATER**

"Jeeves! I found the Mickey Mouse biscuit jar!"

"OH! Um, indeed, sir?"

"I looked all through the kitchen, left it in rather ransacked condition, old cove. Then I searched the pantry to no avail. Inspiration struck! I went to look at the back sink, and there it was! I saw the merry old red and black under a pile of tea cosies, can you beat that? I say, Jeeves! Jeeves! Are you all right, Jeeves?"

"..."

"Ah-hah! Old Bertram might not be not the brightest streetlight in Piccadilly, but I know what the matter is! You are _afraid_ of this biscuit jar!"

"..."

"But why, Jeeves? What has this biscuit jar ever done to you?"

"It's—it's looking at me, sir."

"It's only a biscuit jar, Jeeves, it doesn't have eyes-hmm. It does have eyes. But they're not _eyes_ , Jeeves."

"I beg to differ, sir. They follow one, sir."

"Good God, man! Here, let me lead you out of the room and sit you down with a brandy. Wait here, I'll get a blanket to put around your shoulders."

 **THE NEXT DAY**

"I'm sorry, sir. I invited my niece Mabel's children over for the afternoon. One of them knocked over the biscuit jar."

"Am I really supposed to believe that?"

"You may ask Mabel, sir. She will affirm my story."

"Oh. Well, that's that, then. Jeeves—you didn't—you didn't ask them to break the biscuit jar, did you?"

"Absolutely not, sir! It is your possession to do with what you wish. If I have to adjust to it, I shall, as I do with any of your possessions. That are not clothing, that is."

"I must admit, Jeeves, I am suspicious. But, it doesn't matter in the larger scheme of things. I will cherish the memory. Fetch me a brandy and soda, old top."

 **TWO DAYS LATER**

"Good afternoon, sir."

"Good afternoon, Jeeves! Here, take this parcel."

"Yes, sir. Might one inquire what is in it?"

"Jeeves, I gave the matter of the Mickey Mouse biscuit jar some heavy thinking. Stayed awake, mind you, that is how seriously I take your problems. Go on, unwrap it!"

"..."

"It's a Goofy biscuit jar! Surely that isn't something to be scared of, now is it?"

"THIS IS NOT BETTER SIR."

"Jeeves, I must assert myself! A Goofy biscuit jar is nothing to be scared of! It is a piece of pottery with an amusing likeness of the world's favorite talking dog! It shall remain here, on the piano, for all to admire. Put it on the piano, will you?"

"Sir..."

"Jeeves, what are you doing? You look like my cousin's cat before it knocks the perfume bottles off of the vanity."

"I am doing no such thing, sir."

"Then why is your hand—why—you broke it!"

"Ooops, sir."

"Dash it, Jeeves! That—you—damn. Maybe it's for the best, Jeeves. Can't have you spraying the tea things about whenever you turn around."

"Thank you very much, sir."

 **A WEEK LATER**

"Not that tie, sir. A quiet gray."

"I love this tie. It's springtime green!"

"And like the springtime sun, blinding if you look straight at it, sir."

"Jeeves, I've been thinking. I might buy myself a Mickey Mouse ashtray. What do you think, hmmm?"

"The green tie suits you quite well, sir."


End file.
